i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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