i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
