He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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