is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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