went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
