ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize