I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
