so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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