Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
