OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
