i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
