It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
