he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
