My hand turned me down
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
