Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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