I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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