my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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