And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just found puke in my bra..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
