I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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