I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
