onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize