Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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