no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then he peed in my hair
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