I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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