I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
