I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
