I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
