I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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