I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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