I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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