my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
