My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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