There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
