I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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