So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
