I wish I could teleport
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm getting married
To pizza
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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