no, he came in my armpit
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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