12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
