I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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