My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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