Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
