did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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