You're my little dorito
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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