My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
