I met the friendliest cop last night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
