3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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