my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
