I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize