This is not my ceiling
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
