What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
