I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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