No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
