Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
