I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize