how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
