I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
