So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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